Queer women can be usually as a result of truly get into it regarding what we *mean* whenever we explore
‘topping’ or ‘bottoming’
— so are we! Which is the reason why we performed
an entire thorough review
of y’all on the topic just a couple of years ago, performing the analysis about what y’all imply once you mention
covers
,
soles
,
changes
, and
a lot more
. As usual is apparently the actual situation with our team, though, it decided there seemed to be even more to process right here. It doesn’t matter how a lot survey information we collect, it really is hard to access the way that these tips perform in all of our actual schedules, as well as how a couple utilizing the same terms for themselves might embody all of them really in different ways. It felt like the only way to actually explore just how that performs away was to, you understand, consult with one another — so here’s a few conversations among like staffers looking to get toward base of just what queer intimate dynamics suggest in our real resides. Last time we mentioned
exactly what our very own numerous intimate identities “mean”
!

This dialogue was actually around exploring the question of:

Exactly what do we feel our intimate IDs “mean” about united states as “people”, our personalities or mental surroundings whenever we ID a specific method? Perform they have overlaps with these sense of home away from bed, or no? will we will presume this about others (that a date might-be a bottom if they’re coy, or a high when they pay for drinks)? Will we see other people presuming these items about united states (or projecting them onto united states)? Perform this stuff look like cultural shorthands, and when so might be they annoying or helpful? Or perform they reach authentic ways that the intimate dynamics are natural expressions of other parts of our own personhood?

Malic:

I had individuals think that I’m a top because i am masc and that I’ve had folks think that I’m a bottom because I’m actually small. This frustrates us to no end, thus I you shouldn’t think how others establish their intimate roles. Claiming an identity word like “top” or “switch” seems extremely basic, but often those terms assist start discussions about sex with others I’m dating. Sexual identification terms have been specifically useful when somebody seems self-conscious about receiving “excessively” enjoyment (wooow, patriarchy has really done several on united states) and that I can guarantee them by claiming, “keep in mind, I’m a top!” (i.e. “Everyone loves doing this for your requirements! This really is my personal thing! Providing you enjoyment provides me delight! Lay as well as go on it!”).

Rachel:

Ugh Malic that’s so shitty when people believe one thing about you as you considering your own literal actual human body!

Malic:

If I could prefer to get taller, i might (generally and so I could go with menswear). But and this is what I had gotten!

Rachel:

We absolutely try not to assume or guess such a thing centered on external signifiers for all those exact same explanations above, and since I do believe it would possibly get essentialist in weird steps extremely fast (such as, Im usually described or assumed by new lovers as a “rencontrer une femme uro very top,” or searched for by folks mostly drawn to femme tops, which can be so bizarre for me as I haven’t ever ID’d since femme in almost any discussion board, i recently have actually… long-hair?). But I believe ambivalent, because it also feels very good & desirable for me getting thought of (correctly) as a premier; I really don’t imagine folks in standard must be wanting to pigeonhole BUT it does feel great (in my experience) getting found correctly, where it makes me feel hot & affirmed during my top-ness but additionally since it is like i’ve been “successful” in some way when making crucial areas of myself readable — or maybe more correctly, i assume that folks we associate with include witnessing myself properly.

That I guess is like queerness overall – there isn’t any option to “look” queer or straight and in addition we most likely must not make an effort to guess, but additionally it seems great while I get effectively browse as queer by additional queers and poor as I get read as right.

Shelli:

Just what relates to myself a lot of whenever considering the presumptions that people have beside me during sex, would be that because i am extremely feminine they think that I am about to end up being submissive – which once we discussed
final time
, i have already been in earlier times for certain women. In years past (not so much anymore, which ideally suggests individuals are learning) they believed due to my personal size, you 14-16, that i am literally actually incompetent at being extremely productive during intercourse.

I am probably more flexible, effective and lively than a number of the tiniest folks i am aware in terms of fucking. If I’m flushed and breathy during intercourse this means i am having a good time; it offers nothing at all to do with my personal size.

I also experienced some females — and this also consists of non-black POC women — who’re anticipating some sort of exoticism because I’m black. Considering automatically that intercourse might be crazy and crazy or that I’m going to strap all of them centered on this extremely sexualized form of black females that they have created within minds and probably seen on film and television.

Vanessa:

I think once I learned I’m really a bottom, several things clicked into destination. It’s stereotypical to believe any person loves whatever fancy between the sheets because of appearance or assumptions, needless to say, but discovering MYSELF exactly how everything I like during sex correlates to how I am during the rest of my entire life was a really fun revelation!

And allowed me to be much more singing and truthful with times; I’m recalling one certain tinder day from a long time ago exactly who I was thinking was actually a top from method these people were flirting with me, but I happened to ben’t 100per cent certain. They lived style of a long way away also it seriously was going to be a consignment to help make a romantic date observe all of them, and that I ended up being putting off asking should they happened to be a high because I became only a little shy, then again my best friend was merely like “babe, it is perhaps not worth the energy to set this right up if they’re perhaps not browsing like to shag how you should fuck,” hence ended up being very clarifying! I’m by no means stating that all surfaces are appropriate for all bottoms, that two soles cannot have a rather good time together, etc etc, but i will be saying that whenever we’re internet dating i do believe we occasionally decide to try so hard to force one thing when it is just not going to occur, being capable decide previously in the event that potential for sexual being compatible is there has been helpful for me personally when making truthful slutty associations with others.

I would like to second Shelli that i do believe some assumptions were made about me previously re: how flexible or energetic i’m going to be considering my body weight (I’m a small-to-medium fat individual) but I typically fixed that by merely fucking additional fat men and women now and it also RULES.

I additionally come across some delight in only bending into my personal bottom identification in the same manner it is fun to slim into my dyke identification, my personal queer identification, etc. It is like another playing field that people all get to play in, and tease both, and extremely get comfortable because is certainly not accessible to right folks, and I also like this. Such as my girlfriend and I usually joke that because I’m a Capricorn bottom i love getting the number 1 pupil, teacher’s dog, etc and since she is a Capricorn leading she wants to function as teacher. Do all Capricorn tops/bottoms think that? Not? But seriously looks like…yes? That is certainly an enjoyable laugh to manufacture about our selves, and a method to discover lightness and play in sexuality and need. I am not sure I’m 100% answering the question right here but that’s how I feel!

Rachel:

I believe there’s something to that particular Vanessa needless to say! Throughout a playful way and a life threatening method – like certainly its FUN and funny to be able to joke about that with one another, and sex is supposed are enjoyable! I love having language for intercourse as well as like with regards to doesn’t have to feel heavy, and I also have space within labels to joke about any of it. therefore feels as though a trust-building close thing with a sexual spouse to tease each other about getting a top or a bottom or whatever (and may even be hot, and flirting!). Also however, I have hung up somewhat on that thing of similar “she actually is a capricorn so she is a premier, and I’m a Capricorn and so I’m a bottom!” I accustomed talk about this with some body I found myself matchmaking and who I became much like – I found myself like ‘personally i think adore it’s organic for me to top because I’m such a control nut’ as well as could be like ‘Right, it feels normal in my situation to need to bottom and let go because i am such a control freak!’ Like the thing that makes that huge difference??

Malic:

These astrology/ gender part laughs tend to be profoundly relatable. As an Aries top, we fuck to win.

Vanessa:

“I shag to win” oh my personal GOSH Malic sharing that with my Aries bff instantly. Rachel I believe among the many hottest reasons for having energy dynamics in sex — that I think is really what the top/bottom/switch parts in many cases are in regards to, and that I think leads rapidly to kink things that we didn’t actually go into (additionally doesn’t will have to lead to kink! but is a portal!) — is the manner in which comparable character characteristics can lead to willing to fuck in very different means as a result of various other personality qualities / trauma / experience / background / interest / etc

Malic:

I found myself attempting to developed some thing about various individuality qualities colliding, and Vanessa only nailed it.

Shelli:

I’m a dual Taurus with an increasing in Pisces and idk just how that plays into my personal identity but I accept any and all emails from Astro queers within my DM’s informing me how it really does (I am not saying fooling – @AyoShelli on IG)

Vanessa:

And I also want to delve into exactly what Rachel raised about the usefulness of getting VOCABULARY to speak about everything we fancy even though we aren’t yes why we enjoy it. To handle the kinkier section of my identity slightly, In my opinion it is important to just remember that , communication in a scene is vital, whenever we do not learn how to mention everything we like and what we should’re interested in and just what our limitations are next we’re really doing a disservice to our selves and our very own play partners and possibly not getting secure. I am a little timid to express even more but really does which make feeling?

Wow tysm Malic

Rachel:

Omg Malic… I’m in wonder